A tradition at Burn’s night In Scotland……A tongue-in-cheek poem to be read by a woman (a lassie) to the men, to poke fun at them. This follows the men’s toast to the lassies.
https://ebooks.visitscotland.com/burns-night-guide/30/
Why, thank you dear Sir,
For your generous toast.
Us lassies know we are the best,
But this is no time to boast.
Instead, can I offer a response to you lads?
Without you, boys, what would drive us mad?
So, men-papas, brothers, uncles and dads,
Don’t sulk, don’t be scared or go mad….
My purpose tonight is not to mock,
I won’t mention your failings,
Like picking up your socks,
I won’t tell about the obsessions you menfolk hold,
Football and golf, victories of old,
And nor will I speak of your aversion to cleaning,
Or why I’m still staring at the unpainted ceiling.
No, tonight I offer simply a critical evaluation,
So listen up menfolk, across our proud nation….
Take Burns for example,
He was one of your crew,
A way with the words, and with the ladies too.
Oh, lover-boy Burns, I wonder how would he fare,
With modern-day manhood…..?
He’d have a nightmare!
Just think of the things you menfolk juggle….
Rabbie Burns would get in a total fuddle.
With 13 weans today, how would he cope?
With cooking, cleaning, he’d be a right mope.
Modern-day men and multi-tasking……hmmmm
An impossible dream?
In vain are we asking?
Like swimming upstream in a fast-flowing river?
I suspect it’s something you guys will never deliver.
So, we’ve identified a gender-relations improvement plan,
An idiot-proof guide to modern-day man.
So lassies, sit back, and see if they can.
Men-I’m going to take this nice and steady,
So get your pencils at the ready,
No this isny a joke,
It is obligatory to take down notes.
So, first things first…
Take out the bin.
And while you do, gonnae pour us a gin?
We’ve had a frightful day, covered in goo, poo and calpol.
I’m sure at the office, you’ve been having a ball,
Moving the mouse so the screensaver changes,
Enough to hide the online poker exchanges.
And, secondly,
Action point numero deux,
The seat does go down on the loo
Third, yer ears, yer lugs….
Not just for decoration…..
Listen, take action, respond.
It’s called communication.
Burns, granted, he did have a way with his verse,
But was it all one-way?
Should he have gone in reverse?
But you modern-day boys, you know it goes both ways,
Give and take, equal shares to work and play
You modern-day men working your fingers to the bone….thinking….
Does she work?
No she’s at home;
Coffee mornings,
On her phone,
Cruising the shops,
Spending the cash,
Occasional cream for nappy rash.
Aye, she’s at home lying in bed.
We’re out slaving, keeping a roof on their heads.
Oh, yes, an easy life,
We’re so happy,
Cooking 8 different dinners
Changing 400 nappies.
And the day after Boys’ night,
Set your alarm.
Breakfast in bed,
Go on-be a charm.
Yep, we love a bit of attention….
Yes it’s true,
But not when you rock up at half past two.
Oh, go on, a wee bitta love,
Whatdya reckon?
Oh, I suppose I do have 30 seconds.
And for your hangover, AKA man-morning-flu-
The cure isny Irn Bru.
Get out yer pit and be a man.
And face the day like every woman can.
Oh boys, we do love you,
You make us safe, loved, secure,
But you have some work to do on your personal allure
Showering, barbers, aftershave-all good.
But, being a true scotsman…..just plain rude?
In summary,
There is some work to be done.
A mountain to climb,
Indeed for some.
But the majority of you boys,
You’ll get there soon…..
One day……..
If your wise and do exactly what we say.
So, are we clear?
On board with the action plan?
Are you ready to be a newly-improved modern day man?
Don’t get me wrong, there are positives too
In fact, we’d be lost if we didny have you
Now, lassies, let’s now raise a toast…..
Good, solid family men, that’s what we’ve got
We are so proud of you
Our menfolk
Our Scots
Contemporary Poetry: A Snapshot in Time 